Spare me the memory
by Kia Vail-Kagami
Summary: My first Gravitation fic ^^ It isn't very good, but... well, nevermind. It's mainly about what would happen to Shuichi if he lost Yuki for good. Sorry, Mirri, but this story is for you. ^^


Written for Mirri. Because she's always so nice to me and because she likes Gravitation and I like her and still don't know how to show it. Hope you like it, Koi-Fisch! ^^ (Even though it's so bad! *sniff*)  
  
By the way, this is my first Gravitation fic and beside the fact that I'm a terrible writer it is full of errors. (My English just keeps getting worse. T_T)  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own them. (Who am I telling that, anyway?)  
  
1  
  
2 Spare Me The Memory  
  
By Kia  
  
  
  
'He's gone.'  
  
Those were the first words that came to my eye when I started to read the letter, apart from the obligatory 'Dear Hiro' at the beginning, which I used to ignore because it was always there. I was in Kyoto that time with Ayaka-chan and it was only two days before my stay there was over when I got that paper.  
  
'Yuki left me today. I lost him, Hiro .This time for good.'  
  
I have to admit that those words did not really surprise me. How often had I heard them already? 'I left him', 'He left me', 'I'm done with Yuki' and so on. Shuichi left or was left by Yuki almost once a week and he always came to me whining that it was finally over, but in the end they seldom stayed apart for more than two days. So I can't say that those words shocked me even a little.  
  
The next words, however, did.  
  
'It was an accident.'  
  
I hadn't been prepared for that, but I guess I wasn't the only one. I wonder if things would have been different if I had been there for you then, when you needed me. But I wasn't and It's useless to think about it, now that everything is too late.  
  
It had been hard for Ayaka-chan too, of course. After all, there was still love for Yuki in her heart. Loosing him to Shuichi had been one thing, because it had made him happy and it made Shuichi happy and it made me happy, because I then had the chance to go out with her and make her happy, but loosing him to an stupid car crash was another thing, and it didn't make anyone happy.  
  
Looking back, I think the worst thing when I came back the next day was that Shuichi wasn't crying. I had expected him to be completely down in tears, to cry hysterically in my arms like he used to, but he was just very calm and very serious and he didn't go to the funeral. Maybe that was what had made me so incredible sad then, when I waited for him to show up and he didn't. He had tried so hard to be strong, to show us that he wouldn't break down because of this but in the end he didn't even have the strength to say goodbye.  
  
I tried to be there for him in the time after but he didn't let me. He acted as if nothing was wrong, as if nothing had changed, only was a little more serious, more mature than before. It was a situation that was completely new to me and I didn't know how to cope with it. Usually Shuichi came running to me crying for the slightest problem, and now that I wanted to comfort him he just didn't let me!  
  
What scared me the most was the fact that he never even mentioned Yuki with a single word. It was as if that person had never existed. Only Shuichi never again became the way he used to be.  
  
The boy that once was my best friend now slowly became a stranger to me. I felt him slipping away from me bit by bit and there was nothing I could do about it.  
  
Then he started to have relationships with other people, men as well as women, but they never lasted long. He kept up his cheerful behaviour, fooling almost everyone, but I could see him becoming a little more depressed after every break up.  
  
Only once did he mention the name of his first and probably only love in all the time that has passed since the day I received that letter. He was standing outside on the balcony of his apartment that evening, looking at the streets below him and smoking a cigarette when I silently joined him. We stood there for several minutes in silence while I desperately tried to find at least some leftovers of the bond that had once been between us when he suddenly started to speak, only one sentence, and his voice didn't sound any cheerful or even serious, sounded just sad.  
  
"I could life without Yuki before I met him," he said. "so why can't I now?"  
  
I had no answer for that, so I didn't say anything until he finally turned and went back inside. I followed shortly after.  
  
Bad Luck didn't last much longer either. I must admit I'm thankful for that. I loved that band, but it just wasn't the same without Shuichi. And Shuichi was gone, the part of him that we all liked so much, the part that even Yuki was able to love had died with him. I like that thought. That way the two of them could be together in heaven, even if one of them is still alive on earth as a hollow shadow of the person he used to be.  
  
Call me stupid. I'm only trying to cope with the loss of my best friend.  
  
I remember one day I was wandering around the graveyard for no reason. I had not planned to go there, but somehow I did and being there I decided to visit Yuki's grave for the first time in two years. It was raining, hard, and the rain just reflected how I felt that day. It was as if I was visiting Shuichi's grave as well.  
  
And then I saw him sitting there, leaning against the headstone, motionless, the cold water running down his face as he stared to the sky as if searching for something he knew that couldn't be found. And I stood there motionless as well, getting all wet myself and staring at him, also searching for something that was lost forever, and I started to cry for the first time in years. Then I left and didn't look back. I just walked away and he didn't even notice that I was ever there. Just like Yuki I left him for good.  
  
I know it seems selfish and it certainly is. But I had to leave him. I gave him up because I didn't want to loose him completely. Because I could already see how it was going to end, and because there was nothing I could have done for him. So I decided to do the best I could do for me and keep the last remains of the image of the old Shuichi I still had in my heart. So when I thought of him I would remember the cheerful, hyperactive, noisy little boy that had been my best friend and not the hollow, broken creature he had become. He's still falling apart day by day and soon the last bit of the old him will be gone, forever. I don't want that to be the last sight I have of him.  
  
So I left. I gave him my new phone number, just in case, but I don't know if he cared enough to keep it. But I don't care either.  
  
I can't even hate Yuki for doing this to him. I tried but is it really his fault that Shuichi loved him so much that loosing him totally shattered his heart?  
  
Just like Shuichi started smoking I developed a bad habit, too. In the beginning I didn't even notice it, but once I got away from him I started to search in every newspaper for any articles concerning the death of the ex-singer of the disbanded group Bad Luck. It might sound cruel, but since Shuichi had already died a long time ago, I know that this article will come.  
  
And I hope for it.  
  
-owari-  
  
January 17, 2002  
  
Oh well, wasn't that bad? Mirri-chan, I'm so sorry! *sniffels* 


End file.
